My life is heading in new directions; forward: a path I've never known

This heart and soul I can barely recognize and I'm damn proud of how I've grown

I've trudged through the murk and taken those hot steel stings

I've dreamed romance and woke to loneliness with no pants, and still felt like the sole survivor above all things

I wish I could write longer than these comfortable cadences, and explicit the best of my poetics

Cause its bout time I go longer and stronger without the fear of judgement to be named heretics.

But enough about the pathetics, I work hard in the industry of said medics

Yet behind my determination to make a presentable home, will always be you.

Your tired eyes, your burnt cooking, your lame taste in music, your laugh, your funny faces, your weird smells; yeah its true.

I do it all for a future that I can barely fathom, burning that midnight oil and aiming to be your handsome phantom.

I will be the hands that scrub our dinner dishes, the eyes that never wander to random bitches.

The blistered feet that walked five hundred miles and knees that buckle at the sight of your quirky styles

Our love for the kids akin to raging soccer moms, we're what people can only think is fake; badly taped for thursday night sitcoms.

[more shall be added. i need sleep]

I'm done with being the Plan B., second choice

Chilling on the sidelines as another muffled voice

Being another stood up date, and another ignored call

This exactly why I try not to open up at all.

You said you wanted to protect me from being hurt again

Then why did you lead me on with all the notions of being a little more than just a friend

So delete my number, cut off my contact, cross me off the friends list

I don't have the time to feign my interest and conform to be there just to bullshit

Let me recollect and find myself, and find someone who would treat me like I have some worth

So goodbye, I'm sorry, yeah whatever. Find some other guy with less self respect to confuse and hurt.

Is exactly what it would say on my heart.

See, I really like this girl but I'm still stuck on my "I'm just a man on a mission." aka, solo trip phase. She's funny, smart, artistic, outgoing, offed by douche bags and very empathic. Given any other day if I had my shit together; I'd love to ask her out. I can't right now. It's just not my style to fall for anyone while I'm stuck without a car, a job, and the green in my wallet to actually make other parts of me function with confidence. Yes, dicks do that sorta thing. So hanging around with those fuzzy feelings with a nagging conscience of reality and skepticism; I'm stuck in a dilemma. My heart is telling me a girl like this comes once a blue moon and my mind is kicking the door in every five minutes to let me know I'm in no position to flex shit. She's shown signs of interest and seems to genuinely enjoy my company. I'm not really a big fan of her friends cause she's really into politics and that's all her friends love to gush over and debate. Me, I don't get involved with shit like that simply because I don't think it ever makes a difference. To me, politics are pointless side taking and the best you can do is tackle specific causes to make a denting difference in this fucked up world. Blah, aside from that; this girl has me scratching my head every time I walk away from her. Where the fuck is this going? and should I be trying at all? For once in my life I've finally taken the right approach and just not cared. I'm doing my best to be nothing but myself but haven't exactly made any notion that I'm actually interested, at least I don't think I have. I want to try meeting more people but my heart has been conditioned to be a monogamous obsessive bastard. I think its best I meet more girls before my naivete convinces me that this girl is the end all, be all; love of all loves. Now I've gotten heartbroken, used, abused, and just plain trashed over a blissful history of wishful thinking. Part of me thinks I just want to meet more girls just so the one I actually like thinks I have a more entertaining life. I'm a boring person, I just stay home and read internets until my eyes are red and I'm six hours past insomnia. If there was more to me than my crappy past I'd love to divulge and share. But the pity party packed up last year and I'm not trying to look back. So far, I think I'm on the right track to a healthier better me and it'll be a couple of more months until I take the sign on my heart down. Until I'm at least working, I will remain shut in. My damaged side wants me to just drop everything and call it quits before it hurts like hell all over again. The real me just wants to man up and get shit done. Thats what I think I'll stick to. Hopefully I can just buddy up with one of her homies and not worry or care about any chance I have. I hate falling for this.